Sometimes we don’t know how much we can handle until we are faced with what we feel is unsurmountable. I was not alone when worried about how Renee would manage once Marvin died in March of 2019. Since the age of 16 when Renee first met Marv, their lives were intertwined in so many ways that it wasn’t hard to imagine how her life might unravel without him.
As was typical for the time, my dad had taken a more dominant role with career, authority, and community activities. As some of you are well aware, Marvin was also always first in the offering of unsolicited political opinions and advice.
It was only later in life did I appreciate my mom’s more gentle and subtle but equally powerful ways. I’ve been told Marvin had a reputation of being a mischievous child, and his parents and siblings recognized that if anyone could keep him out of trouble, it was Renee. Her technique simple - “Marrrrvin”. It was amazing how effective that was, as he instantly recognized he was in hot water and would respond appropriately.
Renee has slept with a photo of Marv by her side. She adopted a mechanical cat, one that didn’t require a litter box but purred, and meowed. She placed it on Marvin’s side of the bed. She would go to her exercise and Tai Chi classes, attend lectures and art workshops and always tried to stay active with the Monroe village community. When there was downtime, we all tried to keep her busy. I knew she was having a good day, when it was difficult to reach her, but I also knew it was painful for her to live without Marv, each and every day and night.
Renee surprised not only us, but herself as she slowly learned how to use technology, something she avoided while Marv was alive. She was an avid user of FaceTime, Facebook, texting, and yes, even emojis. Sometimes we would get random videos, untimely FaceTime and audio text messages while she was learning to use her phone. I am sure Kitt, Debbie and Sondra in the early days of FaceTime must have shared multiple experiences where she could see us, but we would maybe see one eyebrow, and most definitely a clear view of the ceiling sprinkler or light fixture.
We couldn’t have done without FaceTime during the Covid lockdown period. Renee often commented that she saw her family every day. She would use her land line to talk daily to her friends because most of them were unable to access FaceTime. I knew she had gained confidence in her abilities when she told us her friends were asking her to teach them how to use their cell phones.
Renee grew up with a younger brother Lawrence, who’s birth injury required him to have constant care, throughout his life. This meant much of the attention in the family was given to him growing up, and often her needs were overlooked and never prioritized. Renee continued to look out for her brother after her parents died. These experiences seem to have shaped how she approached life with her family and friends. She parented with an emphasis on celebrating and accepting each of her children, grandchildren, great grandchildren, and friends just as they were, in a fair and open minded way. This was clearly something she didn’t experience from her own parents, and was one we all benefitted from.
When she was first diagnosed with Cancer, I found myself spending more time with her. It didn’t take long for me to discover that this was an opportunity to get to know this generous, friendly, funny woman in a new way, and I truly treasured that opportunity. Mom I thank you for this, and although we will miss you, I too hope you are finally dancing with Daddy.
Donna Rubin
